on lonely spammers throwing spaghetti on the wall, part 2

I reference a lot of Human Design in this post. Eventually I will write more about HD and will link it here for you, but if you are new to it right now, it’s okay not to know. 

[Note: I’ve masked this guy’s actual photo with an egg face to protect the guilty.]

My g-center (identity) in my chart is undefined, so how I show up can be pretty inconsistent and span a full spectrum of ways. I often experiment with new experiences, especially when it involves new people. As a 5/1, I have a “transpersonal” profile, after all. 😉 

Quite a while ago, I received a random greeting in a DM from some guy I didn’t know on Instagram, and I didn’t reply. Admittedly, I’d taken a peek at his profile and he seemed like a regular guy with a simple, if not entirely well curated, IG account. I deleted his message and went on my way.

Then, several months later, this same guy forwards me my own photo from last summer asking me about it.

I had to give it to him; he’d caught my attention. The question was benign enough, if a bit lazy (it was geotagged in the post as well as named in my caption).

Uncharacteristically, in that moment I decided to answer him. I had no particular interest in a back-and-forth, but all he’d asked for was a simple location. I decided to practice engaging and staying in the moment.

What followed was, of course, a small string of followup questions attempting to make a connection.

Now, I am still unwinding old patterns of energetic “hot potato,” meaning I used to really grab for people’s attention growing up, and even though I actually hated small talk,* I would allow countless people to extract my energy from me yapping on about whatever they wanted. (A conversation for another day, but this was a people-pleasy, habitual fawn I learned to use so people would like me; the catch was they never got to see the real me beneath the nonsense.)

So when I just spontaneously knee-jerk respond to what someone is saying to me, I know I can’t really trust where we’ll go.

It’s been a practice nearly my entire adult life to honor my undefined throat center and wait for the right moments to speak. Hold back whatever surface conditioning might want to just fall out of my mouth until there’s an opportunity for something more true to be shared.

I felt it could be great practice to hold myself, grounded and true, in verbal exchange with this fella — just not now.

So I left him on read and then accidentally forgot about him. 😂

. . . Until today, when he decided to slide back in and call me on my behavior.

Oh heyyy. You again. I can’t even think of a single person who knows me even at 30% who would EVER describe me as someone who seldom talks! 😂😂😂 

I was feeling quite energized this afternoon when I saw this and decided it was finally time to show him my true colors.

I braced myself for either being ghosted or having him antagonize or defend in response, but he actually surprised me.

This second part disarmed me. As a seasoned fifth line I am SO used to people projecting all over me that I am always amazed when I’m given the opportunity to bridge conflict into deeper intimacy (one of the hugest gifts of my defined Channel of Mating, btw).

I decided to ask.

Ready for my bucket of popcorn, I couldn’t wait to see what he might say.

I made myself a coffee and returned to my seat.

Nothing yet.

The guy was a (maybe an inadvertent) ninja! He turned the spotlight back around on me and tried to distract with his response:

I didn’t care to be redirected. I had to hold my ground.

Aw. Well now we were getting somewhere.

To be fair — if I truly felt his desire to get to know me, my response would’ve been far more heartfelt. (There is a difference between grabbing for someone’s attention & energy and actually receiving.) It also occurred to me maybe this guy truly had no idea how uninterested people generally can be being solicited out of nowhere to make small talk with. Or his competition, for that matter!

So I decided to throw him a bone.

And then he threw me another curveball!

In retrospect, it is clear to me now I may have been conversing with someone for whom English isn’t a native tongue, but in real time, I just took it mostly at face value.

By the way — generally speaking, my eyes glaze over when the average person talks to me about their lines of work.**

I was not about to bite on that line.

I was very much enjoying how I wasn’t allowing him to lead the conversation to who knows where.

. . . That said, his commentary did keep me on my toes!

You ready for the next one? Cuz I wasn’t! 😅

Oh, that’s true. 😂 I got ahead of myself.

AND THEN HE CALLED IT ALL OFF — JUST AS IT WAS GETTING FUN —

“Just pretend I didn’t say it”?? 😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

Boy, don’t you know everything that lives on the Internet LIVES FOREVER???

. . . Poor schmuck happened to find me, a 5/1 with a defined sacral (consistent access to life force energy), defined emotional center (constantly riding an emotional wave), defined heart (willpower), and CHANNEL OF MATING (the energy of intimacy, which is 50% the Gate of Friction). With a Reflector mind!!

The especially amusing part about all this to me is I wasn’t at all setting out to antagonize him. I never once trolled or made fun of him. Yet this still pushed his edges (it was mutual).

I was only responding to him moment by moment, without expectation or attachment. Staying true to myself and practicing holding my ground.

In truth if he would have met me with honesty and power (not domination), I would have been open to actually connecting.

It could have been the funniest opening to an actual IG friendship.

That last comment reeeeally revealed him as someone-who-can’t-play-the-long-game-with-me.

As a kindness, I decided to let him off the hook (something my Scorpio intensity almost never does 😂).

You know what’s one of the most telltale signs of a trauma bond? Push/pull dynamics.

We stuck the landing.

Alas — it’s not that I plan to do this regularly or even again. (Can’t count it out, either. 😂)

I definitely feel no need to block him, and we all know the Universe has an infinite supply of these guys.

But it will serve as a reinforcement for what my DMs are actually reserved for.

And a great reminder that my energy, especially when freely given, can genuinely be a handful for someone who doesn’t know what they’ve signed up for.

That’s why I practice expressing freely in my online spaces. Direct access to me is earned — while I do do my best to unconditionally love all (a direct result of the integration of light & shadow work), there can be no entitlement to my attention. My inbox, my choice.

Complaining about the randos gets old; may as well have some fun instead. I wish him well and will always remember my first exchange with one as an emotional adult. 😂

*I will say something about small talk: While it still isn’t my favorite thing, especially from randos with an agenda, I now do recognize it as a necessary social lubricant in our society. Not everyone is built for jumping into the deep end, sometimes ever, and intimacy/closeness is usually built over time.

**As for people talking about their work, much of my spiritual work in this life is about bounteousness (conscious sun in gate 14). Many people talk about their work exclusively from a disembodied mind place which feels gross to me. I will listen to absolutely anything when mutual enthusiasm is there.